Bliss Rowland's blog

the retreat has started.

finished and sent final privy plans, placed big order with the homies at Home Depot, dug footer for privy, poured more concrete countertops, and put a lot of american clay on the ceiling. that's how we do.  it's blissful.

We laid and sheathed 900 feet of waterlines and signal cable to the site the other day.  A sweet little crew came to help out and despite the cold and the wind and the running up and down steep hills, i think we had some fun.  The 900 feet is just the distance from the main water tanks to my water tank.  i think the "road" is about twice that.  
It was really nice to be on the site again, taking one more little baby step.  Now for burying the line.

 i feel it is worth mentioning that the first three blog entries below (my background, my life now, and the retreat) were written as parts of a proposal for the three year retreat and not specifically for this blog.  They were so thorough though about things that i probably wouldn't get into on this blog that i felt they were worth including here just in case someone really wants more.

 Born to hippie parents in 1978 California, I grew up without much reverence for organized religion. None of the “spirituality” of my parents’ community appeared to me to be authentic or even necessarily helping people to lead better lives. Deep down I was searching for a true spiritual life and a way to serve others. That began to come to me through my relationship with the natural world. It was ancient, authentic, pure, direct, loving and ruthless. Any glimmer of wisdom or spirituality I had came to me through the outdoors; in the forest, ocean, mountains, snow, rain, wind, sunshine. The elements became my temple, my teacher and the teaching. I was driven to both study and protect them. So I left home to study Environmental Science at the Evergreen State College, in Washington. It was in searching for the solutions to environmental problems that it became clear to me that there was a much larger problem at hand and that the answer was not in ecological study but in the transformation of the hearts and minds of individuals.

The larger problem was that, not only was the environment in peril, but humanity as a whole was deeply suffering. Although disillusioned by the efficacy of ecology, I was still convinced that science was a worthy path, so I decided to go into medicine. It seemed the most fundamental way to cure someone’s suffering. I could work with people on what I perceived to be the deepest and most basic level; their body. It was through medicine that I started to recognize important connections between mind and body and between the inner world and outer world. Insights were coming and hinting at the root causes of suffering, but they were continuously pointing me in the direction of spiritual pursuits rather than scientific. So although medicine gave me many gifts, in the end I found myself up against the same walls. The problem was much larger, and the field of study wasn’t adequately addressing the issue. Even if people were healthy they were still in pain. It wasn’t enough.

More and more I began to investigate different worldviews: what perspectives allowed people to make the decisions that they made in the world and in their lives. I became fascinated with people’s hearts and deepest beliefs. Instead of studying and trying to fix problems on a superficial level, I wanted to understand what was happening in someone’s heart that made it possible for them to behave in certain ways.

My interest in Asian medicine as well as my blossoming fascination with different belief systems led me to take a year off from school and travel throughout Southeast Asia. The trip, of course, changed my life and when I returned to school the next year my major became comparative religion and comparative social politics. Knowing that my passion would be Eastern Spirituality, I immersed myself in Christianity and Islam for a year, to gain some context for further religious study. I found them both to be profound and righteous paths. I gained great inspiration and perspective on the heart connection between all deep spiritual ways of life.

It was also because of my interest in Asian medicine that I had developed a rather serious Qi Gong practice. I thought I was doing it to become a better doctor. What I got was a profound spiritual practice that without words began to open my mind experientially to many Buddhist ideas. Because I wanted to study Qi Gong more seriously, I went to live and work at Land of Medicine Buddha, a Tibetan Buddhist healing retreat center in California for the summer of 2000. I stayed for a year and a half. No other study or work could compare with the education I was receiving there. It was there that I found Geshe Michael Roach’s teachings, and I have been studying with him ever since.

I finally found what I was looking for. I finally had a way to be of ultimate service to the world.

Diamond Mountain:

For six years I have been studying and teaching at Diamond Mountain University, in preparation to do the Great Retreat. My studies have been focused on the Tantric Course Series, meditation, yoga, philosophy, debate and ancient languages. Much of my time at Diamond Mountain has also been devoted to helping build the retreat center. At DM I have taught beginning philosophy, meditation, yoga, and language. I also started a project called the Sacred Imprints Archive, under the umbrella of the Asian Classics Input Project. Through this we are preserving, restoring and reintroducing the sacred art contained within ancient scriptures. I cannot begin to express here the beauty and importance of these works.

When I am not at Diamond Mountain:

When I am not meditating, studying, practicing yoga, or digging ditches, I am either working, spending time with my family, or teaching. For about seven years I have been working in Santa Cruz, as a counselor in a group home (a six month rehabilitation house) for teenagers with substance abuse problems. I feel very lucky to be able to do such rewarding work and to be able study with such amazing teachers (the kids). They keep me grounded and always applying my studies and practices to the “real world”. 

In Santa Cruz, I also teach philosophy, meditation, and yoga to a small group of very dedicated students. I started teaching because my teacher told me to. He said that if we wanted to do the three year retreat, the most important thing we could do was teach. Initially, I was extremely nervous and apprehensive. It turns out helping people to be happy is one of the most fun things I’ve ever done. And of course, it keeps me connecting ancient wisdom with people’s everyday experiences, which I feel is absolutely crucial.

I also try to devote much of my time to my family. I’ve known for a long time that I would do the retreat. This has helped me keep a healthy perspective on what’s most important. It is like knowing that I’m going to die soon. I just make different choices. Over the years, next to DM and my practice, my family is the priority. So I do whatever they do: cooking, playing, going to the beach, surfing, snowboarding — just spending time together. I even teach them yoga sometimes. In addition to all that, I love to draw, paint, practice Qi Gong, take photos, surf, bike, dance, and write. Though very little time gets devoted to those things anymore.

So this is my life, in a nice clean package. But within it are just moments—good ones and bad ones, times when I’ve been good to others and times when I’ve treated others badly. An ordinary life. Over these years as my studies deepen, it has become very real for me that life has the potential to be extraordinary in every moment. Doing the Great Retreat means actualizing that potential. It means using what I’ve learned to someday soon be able to truly help someone; to become ultimately useful to humanity. Sometimes I imagine what would happen if the “me” who does the retreat and the “me” who doesn’t met on the street sometime in their old age. I doubt they would even recognize each other.

The Retreat:

When I was 21 years old, I read an article about two people who completed a three year retreat. A few months later, someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, meaning what kind of career did I want or how did I envision my future, and without hesitation, I blurted out “three year retreat”. I was shocked to hear myself say it, but I knew it was true. It was very soon after that that I found some recordings of Geshe Michael’s teachings and found out he had just begun a Great Retreat.

Why do the retreat?

Every day I see people suffering, everywhere I go. It is mind-blowing. And I suffer. The situation is totally out of control. I think if we really faced the condition we are in, we would go crazy. I have studied and tried many different ways to help people, to help the world; on an individual level and on a grand scale. No matter what I do, it seems there is no end, it just goes on and on. I cannot truly help anyone or change the world in a serious way—in an ultimate way—without a radical transformation of myself, my own mind. I have to do it myself first.

I have tried for many years to do it outside of retreat. After nine years of very dedicated study and practice and teaching some good results have come, but not big enough and not fast enough for me to really reach a place where I can truly be of service. I believe that to make the necessary changes, I have to do the necessary work, and I don’t think that can happen in the normal outside world. The amount and the potency of practice that happens amidst everyday life just isn’t deep enough, isn’t radical enough. From the small amount of retreat I have done, I have seen that this is where serious, concentrated progress happens.

At the heart of it all, it comes down to the fact that I truly believe there is a way to stop every suffering. I believe that I have the capacity to do it. My body and mind are strong and clear, I have the perfect teachers, the perfect teachings, and now I have the perfect opportunity to put it all to work—a three year retreat. I believe I can help people eliminate the unbelievable pain they are in. That is a big deal. If there is one tiny little chance that I could do it, if I could possibly someday be able to help even one person come out of some suffering, then I have to try. I will try. Even if it’s a long shot, nothing else would ever seem worthwhile.

Moreover, it is simply a beautiful way to live; to have a heart that is completely devoted to other people’s happiness no matter what. Whatever life, whatever action comes out of a heart like that must be extraordinary. It’s such a contrast to the normal perspective. I think that alone could change the world.

Preparation:

In my heart I have been preparing for this retreat for nine years and maybe for my whole life. I have known that it is what I would do. I think that strength of vision has prepared me the most, in that it has been what has shaped my life and all of my decisions for many years.

For seven years I have been studying with my teachers the worldview and practices I will need in retreat. I have completed all 18 Asian Classics Institute courses and will soon complete all 18 Tantric Course Series courses. I have also completed five month-long retreats in the past five years and ten 10-day retreats.

Some people think I am young to do something like this, saying that this is something that I could do later in life, after I have kids and a career. My thinking is quite the opposite. It is not certain that I would be able to do it later. I don’t know what will come even tomorrow. In my mind, to put it off is to put off bringing people relief from suffering—something I could not bear. Also, doing it now means that everything else I do in life is blessed with the power of the retreat. I say, do the most important thing first and everything else will flow naturally from that.

The cabin and the site:

Right now a road has been put in, the site has been cleared and leveled, the septic has been dug, installed and approved, and the plans have been submitted to the county for the permit to build.  I am currently working on running and burying the water lines.

The retreat itself:

I expect the retreat to be extremely challenging while at the same time being exactly what I want to be doing. My longing to spend all day in prayer and meditation purifying and opening my heart, far outweighs any fear of the difficulties. I believe that my wish to help others eliminate their suffering will carry me through the hardships.

I hope to grow some of my own food and to participate in and learn from the environment around me. I very much look forward to being in a remote location, deep in the natural world and reconnecting with my first teachers, the elements.

My day will begin well before dawn and end in the wee hours of the night, and will consist of mostly deep practice; meditation, prayer, yoga. I trust that keeping my mind steeped in wisdom and my heart steeped in love, in a continuous stream every day for three years, will work it’s magic on me and I may have a chance at becoming useful to humanity.