So, I'm shy to use this blog.
I suppose that it's scary for me to speak in a public way about something that is so important to me.
I'm overwhelmed by what a difficult place my mind is to be.
I know you know what I mean.
It's so unruly, speaks so cruelly to me about all the people I love.
I'm fed up really.
I just want so desperately to take control of this beast in my head.
This same pain torments everyone I see.
But I mean to push back.
The mental obstacles of pain, of anger, of putting myself first again and again are not just my enemy.
They are the enemies of all who wish to gain joy.
I've been blessed beyond words to have been given teachings, methods to put in to practice that battle this habitual rut of my mind to sully all the beauty available to me with doubts and cynicism.
I crack at it everyday using the powerful tools of an unbroken lineage that had poured forth through the millennia.
Honestly though, for the most part, it's pretty slow going.
I still get angry every day.
I still put my own needs before all others.
I still hurt the ones I love by my lack of ability to love more.
I have even been blessed three times now to undertake spiritual retreat in solitude for an entire month to see what progress could be made by taking away distraction and words and by devoting the entirety of each day to the activity of changing my mind.
The results are astounding.
After a mere month, my mind gains leaps of clarity and even a sort of driven kindness the likes of which I've never known.
After a solid month of turning my thoughts over and over, doggedly back to the object of "others", I find that I return to the world with a previously unknown ability to toss aside the whims of affliction that have always seemed so daunting.
They are not gone. But for some time following these retreats, such thoughts appear as spectors, some how less real, less strong, ghosts waiting outside a window, desperate for attention, longing to retake the reigns of my mind.
And now time has past and the demons are at play again.
They stand again between me and the dream of all I can be for the world.
I'll go back in for another month this January, and there will be some brief reprieve again.
It's still not enough.
All my life I have dreamed of striking some radical blow into the heart of all pain.
Now it seems I may have a chance.
I am desperate in excitement at the thought that I could be given three years to hammer away at the beast.
I am desperate to meet the man who would walk out of those three years.
It also scares the heck out of me.
A month is hard. The mean thoughts are strong.
You know this. We all know this.
They don't let off easy.
Even a mere month is a moment to moment up hill battle against the momentum of my lack of consideration for others.
But I've had this little taste, you see...
Of what could happen,
Of who I could be,
Who we can all be,
What this world could be look like if we took all of our urge to fight into our own hearts,
Into the one place where battles can be won.
Comments
4 comments postedI send deepest love and compasion to you and your "little wife". I ask the question once again--How can I serve you from my distant place?
Ben Kramer,
Love & Joy to you and Kendra... Thank you for doing this for you, for me... for everyone, everything. xo One.
I am afraid too...time expires and I don't feel any closer. I am still suffering...women in the DRC are experiencing horrific violiation in gross numbers. I feel so bogged down by all this pain that surrounds me. I try to imagine how different life must be for those people that don't live in my world of indoor plumbing and web surfing...and I feel impotent and selfish. How dare I hurt or cry?It sounds like a cop-out, but not everyone is in the right place to retreat for three years. You are upon this moment where you might be a part of postitive change for so many other people. We all fear what awaits us behind the curtain. Honestly facing our mental nakedness must be an incredible challenge...I wouldn't know. I am still stuck playing mind games with myself.I feel a sense of desperation as well...Why are we hurting ourselves? And how are we able to bring ourselves to do so? That poor young man that felt so much anger that he was able to kick a girl in the head repeatedly putting her in a coma...how much fear/anger is he experiencing? His pain must be very strong that it could drive him to such violence.My saying it won't make it so, but don't be afraid. Everyone you leave behind for three years will miss you terribly, but the reward for your efforts will far out weigh any momentary longing.
I will miss obvious signs of your presence, but I embrace with hope what possibilities await us after your adventure. I so firmly believe in you and your capacity to create love and peace in this world. You have always been a wonderfully patient teacher. No matter what happens, your experience will be a teaching tool and experience to share with others who desire a world without war, hunger, rape, etc.
Your retreat is important and not only to you. I feel a great deal of joy for you. I wish I had the courage and the perceived freedom to dive into such a commitment and face the challenge of the inner working of how my mind interprets and confuses.
Your overwhelming feelings, realizations of capacity for cruelty and desperate desires are gifts, aren’t they? They are your motivation, right? You are taking advantageous action while you are able.
You don’t know what I know. I know nothing.
Yes, everyone is suffering but we don’t always realize it. We don’t see the truth and in those tiny moments when we do sometimes we prefer not to. Honesty can be so frightening. To accept that we are the creators of our own obstacles is tough to own up to.
You have been blessed. Always. You have been slapped with humility. I don’t believe you really doubt or that you’re a cynic. You are filled with hope. If you weren’t you would not bother.
Everyday practice…to reach such a place... I would like a round of tools sent over to my table please with a side of lineage. What you consider slow is likely warp speed in comparison to the view from this side of cyberspace, but honestly isn’t this like your umpteenth rebirth anyway? Should we be taking ourselves so terribly serious?
You have the ability to love more. We all do. Of course you have some say as to whether or not you hurt the ones you love, but not complete say. You have zero control over the senses of those in receipt of your presence.
I don’t think I understand what you have experienced because I have never had the opportunity to retreat for an entire month. I have been blessed with the opportunity to experience a tiny retreat and it was extremely difficult and incredibly amazing. I had never before felt so much peace. I think the sense of presence will never leave me completely even if I am not mindful of it every second. It is too easy to get caught up in all the self induced ideas and thoughts we cram into our minds.
I wish this retreat for you. It sounds like you are ready to excise yourself from society to dig deep and cultivate the pure love that is within you, a love that you are able to and will give to the world. You already inspire me. You have given me a kindness and you probably didn’t even know that you had.
Much metta.