I have had some dreams in my life, the first one was a small voice inside that said I want to help people. So I decided that my purpose was to help people, only I did not know what that meant on many levels. This goal has evolved over the years, and now I have come to see part of this is going into a long solitude retreat in the service of others.
My parents have been divorced since I was young, and most all of my family is in the Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area. I was raised by both my Mom and Dad in two hybrid families. My Mom and my 34 year old sister are both nurses and the three of us have built professions in the medical field to serve others – in the shape of my Mom taking care of pre-adolescents, my sister delivering babies, and myself with mentally ill patients. My Dad is a city dweller and owns a consulting construction company and lives with his wife Ellen and their 7-year Vietnamese daughter, my youngest sister.
We are all very close and support eachother’s growth even while living in separate cities. Now I have become part of a bigger community and family, one of holy T eachers, and Sangha, the whole community which for me has been based out of Arizona for the past six years. After highschool and an undergraduate degree I pursued pre-med studies in New York City while working for an HIV Research Program. I became evident that I would not attend medical school because of balancing a spiritual quest and a career was important, so I chose to serve the health community as a Physician Assistant. I graduated in 2003 from Hahneman/Drexel University in Philadelphia with a Master’s Degree and Physician Assistant Degree and have worked for the past 7 years with people with serious mental illness and drug and alcohol dependencies in T ucson, Arizona. During this time I have been also intensely studying advance Buddhist classes at Diamond Mountain University, teaching yoga, and preparing for Three Year Retreat. In 2004 I became a certified yoga instructor and have continued to study Tibetan Heart Yoga for 5 years.
The spiritual path and Holy Guides
Growing up Catholic and following that inner voice to help others, I practiced my prayer outside of a traditional church. I was drawn with joyful effort to the neediest, the poorest women in free clinics as a young teenager, then onto shelters for abused women, caring for a man dying of AIDS and multiple sclerosis, all of these faces became my teachers. Something was missing, I did not have an understanding, a wisdom about my purpose and intention, until 2000 when I was introduced to the wondrous world of Buddhist scripture, meditation, and vows through Holy Lamas Geshe Michael Roach and Lama Christie McNally.
After years of seeking the meaning of church in my own heart and being guided quietly by those I took care of (who took care of me), I began to delve more into a contemplative and study practice. Meditation and watching my mind, a six times book, became the foundation of my day and I continued my yoga practice. This led to eventually going out to Diamond Mountain to study full time and go into deeper retreat.
Why Go In
Entering a three retreat is the outward appearance of going “in”, inside my mind to work at the most subtle levels of planting seeds, purification, and offering. It has become completely clear to me that the only reason I am going into three year retreat is so I can serve I can serve my family and the world on a much higher level. I have aspirations to become a person who can heal, and can teach exactly what needs to be taught. Lord Buddha taught in many ways and in retreat I will study on a meditative level all of the teachings that have been poured into me but that I have not actualized. For me it is the logical and spiritual next step on my journey.
After Three Year Retreat, I cannot say what I will do other than I will continue to serve. There are subtler and subtler layers of letting go of your identity that come up, as it gets closer. But what about your loved ones
My family is supportive and they are a mirror for any doubts or kinks in my practice; they challenge me to be pure in my view and intention and are motivating me everyday. They have known for years about the Great Retreat and hold happiness for all in the forefront of their minds and hearts. Of course they have questions about the perception that I am leaving them behind. I take how they feel very seriously and quite honestly they are the reason I am going into retreat. So many of my friends are in the dharma community that they are so happy for those who are going into long retreat. Mostly the more I share the greater people are supportive.
A Day in the Life
The days will be very full, I was recently reminded in a 35 day solitary retreat that retreat it is much more difficult than a busy day in a busy mental health and substance abuse clinic for people with no income. Daily practice weaves in the traditional four one to two hour meditation sessions, and one to two hours of physical activity of yoga and pranayama (breathing practices). There were will sessions for prayer and mantras. That takes up most of the day, along with light cooking and sleeping.
Getting Ready
I have been studying deep retreats and studying many scriptures and yoga teachings very intensely for the last five years at Diamond Mountain in Arizona. I have left my life behind in order to come study at Diamond Mountain and have been making emotional and logistical preparations.
I am doing three year retreat. It is such an incredible virtue and also a sacrifice that I don’t think you can have any other thought but being committed to succeeding. It is a calling and I am following my heart all the way.
Part of preparation includes logistics such as selling my home, making arrangements for my 12 year old cat, paying school loan debts, and working to help others with retreat. I have completed Lam Rim, Tong Len, Four Powers, and Angel of Diamond retreats and have served group and solitary retreats.
Someone asked, “what if you don’t do three year retreat?”
This entire path has saved my life, and I want to share that by helping each person one at a time with exactly what they need to overcome fear and death.
